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Grief
is a universal experience. Everyone will experience losses during their
lifetimes, and though each person's grief is different, there are some
commonalities to the grieving process.
Grief
affects not just the emotions, but the body as well. Grief affects
not just feelings, but also behaviors. It affects the feelings you have
towards the person you have lost, and also towards those who remain. Grieving
takes more time and energy than people often imagine. It will likely manifest
in all aspects of your life, and may bring up many different feelings
besides the expected ones of sadness or depression. Be aware, especially
in the beginning, that grieving changes over time, and that there may
be an ebb and flow to your emotional and even physical responses to loss.
Mental
health professionals distinguish between two types of grief: complicated
and uncomplicated. Of course sometimes one can have aspects of both types
of grief in the mourning process. In uncomplicated grief, the many normal
responses to grief will be present in greater or lesser degrees of severity,
and will very likely include a wide range of emotional and physical reactions:
anger, sadness, guilt, panic, fear, confusion, loneliness, listlessness,
change in appetite, absent-mindedness, sleeplessness, forgetfulness, sudden
or rash behavior, a desire to be alone or an increased need for companionship,
obsessively thinking about the deceased, and so on. (See also Normal
Responses to Grief.) It is understood that these kinds of responses
to loss can continue to appear in lessening frequency and severity for
as long as two years and still be considered within the range of a normal,
'healthy' grief response.
Complicated
grief can manifest in several different forms, all of which demonstrate
an inability to accept the loss over time through the 'work' of grieving.
Avoidance of grief might be signaled by not tending to the deceased's
belongings, by maintaining a fixation on the magnitude of the loss, or
by holding on to guilt or anger rather than finding forgiveness over time.
In chronic or prolonged grief the bereaved does not find feelings of pain
and loss lessening over time, and feels intense grief responses years
after the loss has occurred. Delayed grief is characterized by an exaggerated
reaction to a current loss, indicating unresolved grief from a previous
loss. Inhibited or masked grief includes self-destructive behaviors such
as neglecting health, alchohol or drug abuse, extended preoccupation with
suicidal thoughts, acting out impulsively, or developing prolonged psychsomatic
symptoms or complaints. Complicated grief may also trigger other psychiatric
disorders, such as clinical depression or anxiety. Any of the complicated
grief responses above should be brought to the attention of a medical
or mental health professional.
It
is important for anyone dealing with the death of a loved one to remember
that in your grief you are experiencing a necessary psychological process
which will eventually help you come to terms with your loss. As you talk
about your feelings, your pain will gradually diminish, and you will likely
discover many important insights into yourself in the process. In doing
the 'work' of grieving as soon as possible, you are giving yourself an
opportunity for growth and healing. If you allow yourself to share your
feelings with your loved ones, your therapist, or a bereavement group,
you will be able to establish and strengthen relationships that can help
to alleviate your feelings of loneliness.
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